Thinking Twice

The question is why am I thinking twice?

I shouldn’t. Right?

But here I am contemplating on what to do.

Basically, this is just like the same content with my previous blog post.

Ranting about my present relationship.

Stating my doubts, my feelings and whatsoever drama I can add on to.

The most frustrating part is, I can’t even confront my man about my sentiments.

He’s weak when it comes to confrontations. Plus, I also don’t know how will I start this whole topic with him.

I know I should even it is hard because we are in a relationship. We should be open with each other.

Maybe, the real cause of our relationship falling down is we haven’t built a strong foundation.

I didn’t enjoyed the whole courtship process. I didn’t felt what was I supposed to felt being courted by a guy.

And my friend told me that I should tell him my sentiments, and if he won’t change, then it’s time for me to leave

because I deserve to be treated more. That I should know my worth. That I am worthy of love from another man who’s going to give his all to me.

Even my friend and his friend (who are in a relationship now) noticed that he does not really love me as much as before.

 And it fucking hurts. I re-read all our past conversations before through sms, facebook, and even reminiscing our dates before, and how we talk about our future being together.

THINGS HAVE CHANGED.

I don’t feel butterflies in my stomach anymore.

I don’t know if there’s still madness in our relationship.

If he still looks at me like the way he looked at me before.

If he still thinks of me like I do.

If he still includes me in his plans.

I don’t know.

Sometimes, I just want to ask him, look at him straight in the eye if he still loves me.

But I’m scared to know the answer.

OR

if he’s going to answer my question immediately.. without doubts.. without thinking twice.

Honestly, I’m still trying to hold on to us.

Even if I don’t know what is the meaning of “US”.

I love him.

But, if I’m the only one who’s trying to hold on, then it’s not anymore worth it.

I don’t even know he still prays to God, thanking Him for having me in his life.

I can’t even feel that he’s lucky to have me in his life.

It feels like I’m just an ordinary girl.

I don’t even feel special.

Sometimes, I just hope he’ll stumble upon my words.

These words that I can’t even say to him.

EWAN

Ewan.

Di ko rin alam kkung bakit ewan ang title ng post na ito. Sadyang weird lang talga akong tao.. bipolar ata.

Wala eh, maglalabas lang nararamdaman kasi wala namang makausap at diko rin naman kaya sabihin sa taong gusto ong sabihan.

Di ko lang alam kung bakit kahit nakikita ko naman effort ng boyfriend ko, sadyang nakukulangan parin ako.

Naiintindihan ko naman sitwasyon namin. LDR. Ldr naang ba kami lagi?

May mga times na naiinggit nalang ako sa ibang couples o ibang babae.. alam ko masama mainggit pero babae din kasi ako.. I NEED ASSURANCE AND SECURITY sa relationship.

Minsan iniisip ko kung bakit di niya pa ako npapakilala sa family niya. Yung nga yung isa pang weird, legal siya sa parents ko pero sa family niya hindi.. baliktad nga yung usual, sa guy side legal.

Diko alam kung bakit di niya akomagawang ipakilala sa kanila. dahilba takot siya sa parents niya? Or siguro, hindi niya pa talaga ako “ganun” ka mahal?

Alam ko masama iniisip ko pero bilang babae diko talaga maiwasan isipn ang ganyang mga bagay. Mas lalo tuloy ako ng napapisip kung magugustuhan ba ako ng family niya? Or baka hindi ako yung type ng parents niya kaya di niya ako mapakilala. Ayoko naman siyang madaliin o mapressure pero ewan eh yungba naman habang nangliligaw palang sa ababe pinapakilala na sa family nila.. ako nagbreak na at nagkabalaikan na wal parin.. ewan.. bahala na si bman o kung sino man na superhero!

Isa pang napansin ko tuwing magkasama kami di siya mahilig magpicture.. minsan na nga kami magkasama wala pang remembrance.. pero pag kasama niya friends niya at family niya mahilig naman siya magpicture nag popst pa nga.. eto pang nakakatawa sa instagram niya dalawang picture lang ang naka post at pag tinatag ko siya sa fb lalo pag namimiss ko siya at magpopost ako ng pic namin parang wala lang sakanya.. napapisip tuloy ako kung proud ba siya na ako ang girlfriend niya.. hindi ko naman sinabi na magpost siya araw araw sa wall ko ng picture o  sa wall niya kasi nakak sawa din. kahit tuwing my memorable lang na mangyayari magkasama kami or tuwing magkikita kami kasi nga diba ldr.. pero hindi eh.. diko tuloy maiwasan mainsecure sa mga friends niyang babae na ibang level ang ganda.

Kung tutuusin dapat hindi ko yun nafifeel. Dapat kampante ako ,pero hindi.. to be honest kahit ako hindi sigurado sa relasyon namin.. kung may patutnguhan pa ba kasi alam ko naman na ang priority namin ngayon ay career.. diko naman siya pipigilan mag grow.. pero sana kahit paminsan minsan maging priority niya ako.. yung nafifeel ko na proud siya sakin.. na mahal na mahal niya ako.. to be honest. feeling ko talaga hindi pa niya kao “ganun” ka mahal. Di ko alam kung masyado lang akong angeexpect sakanya at sarili kolang naiisip ko.. pero kasi walang assurance walang feeling of security sa side ko.. lalo pa ngayon na mas busy na kami sa mga buhay namin..may mga bagay na kung tutuusin pede naman niyang ginawa noon habang may time pa pero wala eh..

Ngayon, diko alam kung ano yung worth ko.. or siguro kung gaano ako kahalga sa buhay niya. mahal na mahal ko siya kaya mas pinili ko magstay at hindi ko naman binabalewala mga effort niyang iba.. pero honestly napaka unhealthy ng relationship namin. Dapat open kami sa isa’t-isa pero ewan diko magawang sabihin sa kanya mga nararamdaman ko kasi nga ayaw ko din siyang mapressure.. ako hindi ko alam kung anong mga iniisip niya sakin..

Araw-araw napapisip ako kung ano pa bang meron samin.. kung may love meter siguro, feeling ko mas mataas yung metro ko kaysa saknya.. minsan gusto ko siyang tanungin, kung may kanta ba siyang pinakikinggan at ako ang naalala niya.. kung may lugar ba siya na gusto niya ako dalhin. kung  may pagkain ba siya na gustoniyang ipatikim sakin kasi alam niyang paborito.. kasi ako everytime may gagawin ako pupuntahan o may makikitang bagay na nagpapa alala sa kanya kung pede lang bilhin bibilhin ko.. kasi ganun ko siya kamiss. ganun siya ka importante sabuhay ko. .

Diko nga naexperience ligawan ng maayos kasi ldr kami.. nung nagbreak kami may nagtry manliga sakin infaitness medyo nakakkilig pala pag may magyaya sayo kumain sa labas kung pede hingiin oras mo kahit saglit.. pero siya parin inisip ko that time kasi diko naman siya nakalimutan.. at after nung date inisip ko ung mga naging date namin..kahit simpleng bagay n may gagawin ako. iniisip ko siya .. kung tulog ba siya kung kumain na siya.. kung ano ginagawa niya.. I just want the best for him. Gusto ko masaya siya.

Hindi ko lang to sinasabi sa kanya kasi ayoko ng dagdagan mga inisisp niya ngayon kasi priority niya career niya. pero sana marealize niya yung worth ko sa buhay niya.  Kasi super importante siyang tao sa buhay ko ngayon. Mahal na mahal ko siya.. pero  pero hinihinay kolang siya mag iniitiate ng bagay na gusto ko kasi gusto ko sakanya mismo manggagaling..

May mga times na iniisip ko kung naiisip niya ba yung future na kasama niya ako.. Kasi ako oo.. napapisip ako kung san ko gusto kami ikasal.. kung san  ang honey moon.. kung ilan anak–gusto ko pa nga kambal kaso mahirap magbuntis.. mahirap magpalaki ng bata.. iniisip ko din magiging pangalan ng kambal namin.. gusto ko isang boy isang girl.. iniisip ko din kung san kami pede magtravel na dalawa kaming dalawa lang pag halimbawa valentines or anniversary or kung maisip lng namin basta may budget… Ako kaya naiisip niya sa future niya? Sana oo.

Minsan magtatanong ako kay Lord kung bakit ganitong klaseng realsyon meron ako.. ldr na nag damin pang kulang.. ewan.. gusto ko lang namna magmahal at mahalin.. ang maging masaya kasama ng taong mahal ko. kaming dalawa s abuhay namning dalawa na msaya magkasama sa hirap at ginhawa haha parang kasal lang.. pero seryoso, hopless romantic talaga ako.. pero sinesetaside ko yan no.. kasi eto hihintayin ko nalang yung “TIMING” na maganda para saamin.

Sana siya na maginitiate ng timing na yan.. ewan eh diko alam kung kelan pa yan mangayyari.. may nag comment nga sa relasyon namin.. parang joke joke nalnag daw.. actually naisip ko narin yun dati.. pero hindi eh gusto ko andito siya sa buhay ko.. at ako nasa buhay niya..

Sana someday mangyari ang mga dapat mangyari.. kasi kung tutusin dapat matagal na niyang ginaawa at ginagawa.. kaso eto maghihintay nalang ako kung kelan niya gagawin.. sana kayanin ko pa maghintay.. total naman ako naman tong nagcommit.. SANA committed din siya sa relsyon namin.. nakikita ko naman yun.. pero waa lng talagang assurance..

Sa relasyon dapat feeling safe and secure at the same time dapat wag kampante na andiyan si significant other.. dapat yung feeling niyo na lagi parin kayong nagliligawan.. kasi gannon dapat.. Sana yung “flame of love” namin wag maabo or wag maubos.. kasi mahirap na sindihan ulit lalo kungkahit kkonting baga ay mawala na.

Nakikita konaman yung effort niya. yung naglakas loob siyang ipakilala ako sa mga rekatives niya.. hinrap niya parents ko dahil siya din una kong pinakilala kasi siya naman talga first bf ko..yung pinuntahan niya kami sa customs ni nikki kasi nahilo ako tapos nakurakot pa kami ng taxi driver.. pero ewan parang may kulang siguro kulang sa FOUNDATION yung relasyon namin..

Parang tualy na mahina ang pundasyon na pag nag flash flood or malks na bagyo or lindol masisira agad..

SANA lang wag masira agad.. ang tamang gawin ay patibayin ang pundasyon ng tullay upang tumibay at magtagal..

Tapos nako maglabas ng aking mga saloobin.. Salamat nalang sa magbabasa..

Alone

Why is it that every time I try to become everybody else’s girl, it’ll always end up to be worse. Like they’ll get annoyed and eventually hate me. Maybe, I’m just a plain girl with an “attention-seeking” attitude or disorder. In the end, I’ll always feel alone… Be alone. I’ve been trying to adjust myself to different kinds of people. Worse, I’ve been trying to please everybody even for my own happiness. Sucks. When will I ever be accepted?

Together Again

NOVEMBER 26, 2014

It was the day we first met since our break-up.
I want to look at his eyes but I couldn’t.
Maybe because I don’t want to let him know I’m overwhelmed to see him again,
Or, I don’t want you to know that I’m so happy to see you.

So we were walking together on my way home talking to each other normally.
We went to my room.

It was really awkward at first.

I finally broke the silence by asking him about “US”.

He told me to go first.

We were lying next to each other. I slowly explained to him why I broke up with him.
I also apologized fr not letting him explain his side. I was really depressed during those times.
I was trying to hold back my tears, but I really can’t.
He started to console me.

Oh God, I miss his kisses.

He also told me his sentiments.
I was really immature.

Now I’ve learned my lesson.

We both decided to start all over again and forget all the bad memories in the past and retain the good ones.

I hope this will make us stronger. Although, he told me about his plans of working overseas.
I cried again because I’m afraid of being far away from him.

I’m just so clingy. I even joked about asking him If we could just “live-in” together.
But I don’t want him to be like a bird that is caged.

One thing I learned is to help each other grow independently at the same time being always supportive of each other’s goals.

It’s just a matter of effort, time and communication on how we are going to deal with being in a “long distance relationship”.

Stay in love. Live for love!

(Our last movie date before our break-up)

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(Our last night out and couple photo before our break-up)

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Unsaid

I wish I could tell you how much I miss you.
i wish I could tell you that all i want is to see you every weekend.
I wish I could tell you that I left because I wish you would stop me.
I wish I could tell that all i want is to hug you so tight and just cry.
I wish I could tell you how much I love you— So much that it hurts.
I wish I could tell you about my mother’s condition.
I wish I could tell you how I miss my family and friends.
I wish I could tell you about my dreams and that I dreamed about you the other night.
I wish I could tell you that tears were flowing down my cheeks while I was on the bus because I was hoping we’d be travelling together.
I wish I could tell you that I still love you.
I wish I could tell you that there’s still this little hope inside of me, hoping that we could start all over again.
I wish I could tell you that my friends and my mom likes you, and that they really want you for me— because they can see how much I love you.
I wish I could tell you how much I love Lang Leav’s Poems and that I even bought her books.
I wish I could tell you about my day at work.
I wish I could tell you how happy I am to see some my friends when I went home.
I wish I could tell you that I went to your aunt’s house.
I wish I could tell you that I’m excited to watch a concert with my college friends.
I wish I could tell you that I want you back.
I wish I could tell you that I hope you still love me—even if you don’t anymore.
I wish I could tell you that I miss watching moving movies with you.
I wish I could tell you how much I miss your hand holing mine, your caresses, and your touch.

I wish I could tell you everything inside my heart.

I wish I could.

I wish you would listen.

5 Things You Should Do When You’re In Love

Originally posted on Thought Catalog:

I don’t know about you, but I don’t fall in love all that often. Falling in love is like going to Disneyland–it’s only going to happen once or twice in your life (if ever), and you’re going to want to get on that Indiana Jones ride as many times as possible before you have to leave. Everyone’s relationship differs, and there’s most certainly a lot of important things that go into having a successful relationship, but here are 5 essential things you should do in order to fully take advantage of being in love…

1. Be Honest

With love comes the security of someone having your back. Be yourself. Be your best self. Be your worst self. Sing in the shower. Fart. Don’t make promises you can’t keep and be done with secrets. When you’re in love, you should be honest–unclench, relax, relish in…

View original 325 more words

Broken Heart

We all have our firsts.

And for a late bloomer like me who’s coping up with a heartache and broken heart, it’s been a month already.
It was the worst!

Have you ever cried in the restaurant while eating pizza in front of your friends?

Have you ever cried at work?

Have you ever cried almost everyday that it just drains your energy until you fall to sleep, and after waking up, you’re crying again to the point wherein no more tears are flowing and you like it’s going to be blood that you’re going to shed?

Have you ever experienced not eating almost for three weeks, and the only thing you’ll do is eat junk food and just take your vitamins just not to feel weak.

Have you ever tried crying over the phone because one of your close friends just called you and you can’t hold back your tears?

Have you ever tried deleting and untagging your photos of him and photos of you two together because you want to move on?

Have you ever tried holding backup your tears and faking a smile whenever someone’s going to ask if you’re okay?

Have you ever tried questioning God why all of those things happened?

Have you ever felt SO INSECURE that you don’t even want to go out to work, that you don’t even fix your hair and didn’t even put a little make-up on your face?

Have you ever tried committing suicide but thinking that there’s more to life and you still have your friends and family with you will not be worth you being dead?

Have you felt so small?

Have you ever felt that no one’s gonna love you anymore?

And now honestly, I’m bitter. I don’t know how to trust people again specially guys and even men.
Tried dating guys and men but yeah, knowing that they are also assholes is making me more cautious right now.
I just wanna love myself more and live my life and be happy now that I’m single. I am not ready yet for a relationship that needs serious commitment. I just wanna play games. I want to know more men, it’s like I want to know more about their nature-why are they so polygamous in nature, as what history and science has been telling us.

SHIT HAPPENS. THAT’S LIFE.

ADIOS.